So I haven't really opened up on my blog about myself, so that's what I'm going to do today. Actually I'll say what's going on in my mind in the first paragraph, followed by what I think God would want me to do and tell me.
I have been dating a guy for almost three and a half years, and recently broke up with him. I tried to make things work between us, and I feel that I was good to him. I always made him and bought him gifts, cooked him his favorite meals, attempted to looked pretty for him, helped him with his faith, his schoolwork, even cleaning his room. I never cheated on him, lied to him about something big, or even spent his money (going out to eat, movies, etc). I'm not a dull person, it may seem that way in school, but I do talk and have a sense of humor. I like to dance, sing, travel, and just have a good time. While we were dating he never complimented me. He always expected me to wait on him hand and foot, be okay with him never calling or coming over, and well... you get it. He just neglected me in so many ways and tried to back it up with "oh but i do care about you. I'm not ignoring you, your just blowing things out of proportion." Now I know girls do go a little crazy sometimes and do nag, but it wasn't just me seeing this in his behavior. When my grandpa(who is like my dad) was in the hospital and needed double bypass surgery and a pace maker put in his heart he wasn't willing to go to the hospital with me that morning like he said he would. Shouldn't someone who cares about you want to be there for you in a hard time, and especially if someone close to you may die? Whe my cat died, (which I was very close to) he didn't comfort me at all. I know it's a cat, but to me my animals are like family, and still he decided to hang out with his friends instead of trying to cheer me up after he knew how sad I was. At my sophmore homecoming he was on the phone with some bisexual girl he liked at the time, and at my junior homecoming he was staring at a girl and ended up saying "shes everything your not" when I asked if he liked her and why he was staring at her. I also bought him hours in a recording studio for his music last christmas and he never even used it! Anyways, after we broke up it's just as if he could move on with such ease that it was completely destroying my heart. He was doing the same thing and putting his friends, skateboarding, and straight up dumb stuff first in his life. It wasn't always like this, but after two years it began to be like this. Still at this point in my life it's so difficult to just forget and move on even though I know I should. It's hard to sleep, eat, or just be myself. I want to be left alone, or just sleep off my problems. The person that I went to with problems, happiness, laughter, and more isn't there for me anymore. It's almost like a death; not to the full extent, but knowing that things aren't the same and you can't see them (often). Somedays he talks to me and is really sweet, then the next day he'll ignore me and pretty much forget about me. It's an ongoing problem that is really confusing and hurtful. It's a terrible feeling, like that something literally inhabited inside your heart and is ripping it apart piece by piece. I feel pain and anxiety all in my body, in my mind, in myself. It's so hard to be content with life, and especially feel so alone. I don't have a relationship with my family, don't have honest and true friends, and now that he's gone it's harder than it's ever been before. He just makes me feel so worthless and ugly... like no one will appreciate me, as if no one out in the world is really like that.
From God's perspective I think He would want me to put all of my worries and troubles with him, as he tells us to do. I think He would want me to get out of this relationship, for the sake of us both. He is clearly not appreciative of me, and I have nothing but sadness and depression out of the relationship. Even though it's a stressful and paintful time right now for me, I know God is there with me at all times. I was reading a verse in the bible the other day (i dont remember it though), but it was saying how even in the darkest times we should be joyful because the Lord is testing us. He is making up stronger, so where one day we can be wise and strong in faith to where those things wont be as hard on us. This gave me an insightful look on my problems. Also the fact that this has happened so many times to people all over, and that I'm not alone in this fight. God has provided me some Godly friends who will be willing to help me out if I just ask for it. Instead of crying and sitting by in my room alone I need to move on and just have faith in God that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
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