When Fear Holds You Back

What are you scared of in life? Think about it for a few moments - what makes your heart drop, stomach feel sick, keeps you worrying, and puts anxiety in your mind?

Though the first part of my message is quite embarrassing, I believe it can show to others how a tremendous amount of "fear" in my mind would be an eye rolling laugh to another person. When I was in the 5th grade I had two instances happen that scared me to death - literally. Every day from 5th grade and up I would have to say the exact same prayer, at the exact same time, followed by ritual routines to keep "my fear" from becoming a reality. Once I went to high school I changed my fear routine from 11:11pm saying the exact same words repeated three times in a row out loud to where I could say it in my head, once a day, and lay off the routines that followed my "fear prayer". I cried almost every night thinking I was going to die and not do anything I planned on doing. Up until I turned 18 I was scared to touch door handles, look up at the sky, do anything further than kissing, donate blood, go to public places, travel, visit museums, or have normal relationships with friends. When I was 13 I cried in front of my Grandma begging her to take me to the doctor to get a blood test (in which she said I was foolish and to not worry). When I went on a field trip to the Planetarium I closed my eyes and tried to block out everything I was hearing with my fear prayer for hours. Honestly, I felt as if I was dying and was waiting for death to come. I was so fearful of doing anything other than sitting in my room, reading my Bible, and saying my fear prayers repeatedly daily that overlooked what the Bible was actually saying. The Bible says "DO NOT BE AFRAID" 365 times in all - that is one for every single day of the year. Not many things in the Bible are said that often - God must have really wanted to imbed the fact that He did not want us to be afraid. Fear (except a healthy fear of the Lord) does not come from God but the devil himself. 

The devil uses our mind to steal us, and boy is he good at it. Do you know what I was scared of for my entire childhood and early adulthood? When I was in the 5th grade I got my ears pierced with a new pair of earrings straight from a plastic box with the usual earring gun - when I got home to show my mother my pretty earrings she told me I probably had aids and was going to die. I had no idea what this disease was at the time, so I researched it. I found out what it was, statistics for my city, state, country, gender, and age group. I became obsessed. Door handles, bathrooms, floors, clothes, stores, food, and every person out there had aids in my mind. I could get it from touching anything, anyone, and in my mind I already had it. Here I was a child - caucasian, middle class, average family, good schooling, young, no sex, no drugs, not a drink of alcohol, no blood transfusions, nothing... and I was convinced I had the disease. After I made the mistake of losing my virginity to a non-iv using heterosexual male between a period of about 8 months that I became even more fearful - I was assured I had the disease now. I lived in a fear that controlled my life for almost 10 years, even having one of the lowest statistically risk levels possible. Do you know what the other fear was? Again in 5th grade (what a year that was) while watching the news they broadcasted that an asteroid was going to hit planet earth and the world would come to an end. Now this REALLY set off my mind. Not only was I convinced I was a 5th grader living with an incurable disease, but an asteroid was also going to fall from the sky any moment now and burn me alive. I couldn't watch the news again until I was over 21 years old - I was horrified of thunder, lightening, storms, strange noises in the sky (planes passing by), and looking up at the night sky. I was dying, and there was nothing I could do about it! 

After reading that I imagine you are laughing thinking "wow, this girl is a nut case... aids from getting her ears pierced, having sex with a non-iv using heterosexual male, thinking asteroids will come falling down while she is sleeping, the moon is scary, and that she is dying any day now". I bet you more than likely think I may have had some irrational fears that didn't match up with what was actually going on in life.

Do you know what scares me now? My dream since I was little had been to travel the world, see new places, and do mission work. Well guess what - I have full access to travel and I put it to use! The catch? I became horrified of flying in an airplane. When my plane begins to taxi out to the runway I am in total prayer mode - "Lord pleaseeeee don't let me plane crash! Oh please!" I also tend to fly the longest flight in the entire world very often (literally, it is THE longest a plane has ever gone - 8,600 miles). Plus, it is all over the Pacific ocean in which there is nothing but water beneath you during the 15 hours of darkness you fly. I fly Qantas - they have been in business since the 1920's and have NEVER had a crash or fatality. Now that is a statistic to go off of... but even with that when I'm heading up in the sky in my mind I am saying "this plane is going to crash, I'm going to die, I'm going to drown in that ocean or get burned alive going down!" Once again - pretty irrational. 

You know the difference in the fear I had from 5th grade up until I was about 22 and the fear I have now when I go in the plane? Either the devil can hold me back from my dreams with fear or I can listen to the Lord when I am in fear and put all of my trust in Him! The great thing about flying is that I am never in control...

There is a man in control with another man at his right side that is in control of everything. These men have a group of people that are living their life, going to see loved ones, on business, going to travel, accomplishing a goal, saying good-bye to someone, or on that ride for a specific reason. These people often do not fear or worry about anything except in the event that something goes wrong, in which they would ask the captains questions or beg for help. They have no idea what the men flying the plane look like, sound like, or have in store for them - they are just there in hopes of getting to where they want to go. 

Does this sound familiar? Is God not the captain with Jesus as his first officer at his right hand? Are we not all passengers on a plane ride? Do we not think of God or ask for help the majority of the time unless something goes wrong? Are we living our lives in hopes that when all is over and done with we will peacefully go to heaven?

Being on a plane does give me fear, but each time I learn to control that fear and to put my trust in God - because when your 36,000 feet in the air over a dark ocean for 15 hours straight with no control of the aircraft your on, you really have no other choice. When the devil throws fear in my face (especially irrational fear) I know to say "hey, you did this to me for too long and I'm not buying it." I will NEVER let fear become an emotion that I consume my life with. Fear will destroy you and those around you. It will blind you from God's purpose, His will, and what He is trying to do in your life. 

People have two options - the problem and the solution. If you are in a burning building and know that if you stay you WILL burn, but your too scared to jump out of the window to be saved (even if you get hurt) then what type of faith is that? Your scared of the solution but can't get away from the problem? Would you rather be burned alive or have a broken leg from the fall and recover later on? One must recognize what their problem is and what their solution is and then chose which option they want to continue on with in their own life. 

1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

I think of this verse when I lift up off the ground and it gives me peace. I am not who I once was. I am not afraid to be afraid. God has shown me His perfect love despite every sin I have committed, every time I betrayed Him, every time I didn't listen to His word, and every time I ignored what He was trying to tell me. I can cross the pacific ocean every two months because I love with my boyfriend, and with that love my fear is erased. I can cross that ocean because I know who is in control. I can cross the ocean because I know that God answered my prayer to be able to travel, He answered my prayer to get a job where I could see Nick, He answered my prayer where I could see Nick often, and He has been faithful every single step of the way. It wasn't Him that wasn't there - it was me believing the lies the devil was feeding into my mind. I was too scared of the solution that I stayed in the burning building afraid to jump thinking that the fall would be worse than burning alive! I burned for 10 years! I had enough - I fell, I hurt, and through God I healed. Fear will never be completely eliminated, but it can be controlled. 

I love to look at the night sky, I look forward to traveling, I love watching news that happens around the world, I love learning about space, and when I apply for my visa in Australia I will get tested for HIV. Is there a possibility that someday an asteroid might strike? Sure. It there a possibility I could be one of the extremely unlucky and get a disease or illness someday? Sure. Do I hope any of those happen to me? Of course not. I have to understand my past and what did fear to me - it crippled me from living life how God intended me to live it. I trust with my whole that God has a purpose for me and that He is continue to be faithful to my prayers. He knows how long I mentally suffered from fear, and I believe whole heartily that since I jumped to my solution that with each year that passes my wounds will not only heal more, but they will become stronger. 

Only you know what you are most fearful of - it may be a real fear, irrational fear, or a common fear. Do not let it hold you back like I did for so long though. Face your fear and jump to the solution - it may be 2, 5, 10, 20, 50 floors up...  but it will always be better than burning. I am a beautiful, young woman with life ahead of me! I WILL be healthy. I WILL test negative. I WILL get married. I WILL have children. I WILL travel. I WILL go on missions. I WILL inspire people. I WILL give people hope.... but I will NOT fear! My God is almighty, He is strong, He knows all, He is the beginning and the end, He is the alpha and the omega, and He has my life in His hands. Knowing that the God of the universe has my life in His hands allows me to live and love in peace, and I hope you can as well.

2013

Well, 2013 has been my favorite year of life yet - by far! I am not where I want to be, but I am extremely happy at where I am now and what the future looks like at this point. I wanted to share some highlights from this year that made it my best year yet!

1. I began at American Airlines on December 3, 2012 and just celebrated my one year anniversary with the company recently! I stuck through probation, never called in sick, got two raises, and met some wonderful co-workers.

2. In January I flew to Tampa, Florida to hang out with my friend Sara for a weekend. We spent time catching up, tanning on the beach, and relaxing.

3. In February Nick came to visit in Dallas for 3 weeks. We got to know each other a lot better and traveled all over the DFW metroplex. Mavericks game, Dallas Stars game, Cowboy Stadium tour, dancing at Red River, out in Uptown in Dallas, walked around downtown Dallas in the day, Fort Worth Stockyards, walks at night, the movies, and etc. We also stayed in a suite at the Grand Hyatt in New York City and had an amazing time.

4. I became good friends with people I worked a cart business with and made excellent money there, unfortunately in July we had to stop, but we are still friends! I had great times going out to Rangers, Cowboys, and sports events and getting to see them all.

5. In June I flew to Australia for my second time to visit Nick! The first night we stayed at the Four Seasons in Sydney since we had an early flight to catch to Melbourne the following morning. In Melbourne we toured around, saw an AFL (aussie football) game, stayed in an awesome suite at the Grand Hyatt Melbourne, ate at cafes, went to the casino at night, and etc. We then did a road trip on Great Ocean Drive to see 12 Apostles and the beautiful sight down there. It was by far one of the most beautiful sights and we had so much fun singing in the car and going to beaches. After we flew back into Sydney I stayed with his parents and met his family! They were extremely kind and I loved talking to them and getting to know them.

6. In July my family and I took a vacation to Chicago! We watched fireworks from the Navy Pier, got deep dish pizza from Gino's, spent time on the beach, did tours, and took a river cruise one night.

7. In July I also flew to San Diego to hang out with 3 girls I did not really know. I had a blast with them and getting to know them! We snorkeled with seals in the bay, tanned on the beach, went out to eat, went out in downtown San Diego one night to have drinks, and rode bikes on Coronado Island.

8. In August I took my dad to London and Scotland for his birthday. We went to a church service at the Westminster Abbey (where royals get married and coronation takes place). It felt like one of the most holy places I had experienced, you really could feel God's presence in there. We also saw the London Eye, Tower of London - went in the castle as well to tour it, parliament, Buckingham Palace, British Museum, and got rained on in the cold. The service is very rude in London and people were not friendly, but still a nice time. Scotland was beautiful and I loved the accents. We saw Edinburgh Castle and did two ghost tours! There is a pub every other place, so witnessed some goofy drunks at night as well.

9. In October I took my mom to Seattle, Washington for her birthday! We stayed downtown and did a boat cruise around the area, saw Mount Rainier, Pike's place, went to the first Starbucks ever, the fish market, glass blown museum, and etc. We had a good time - on the flight there I also saw a meteor flying from the sky that was beautiful, blue and green!

10. In November I went back to Australia for the 3rd time for 3 weeks! I stayed with Nick in his new place just outside of Sydney and got to help decorate it! I just wanted to do normal every day things with him this time, so we went for walks, went to the beach, went shopping at the mall, watching tv and movies at home, went to see the hunger games, and to animal parks nearby. While he worked I cooked dinner for when he got home (which will be #11). His parents came up to visit one day and got me a very nice gift and took us out to lunch. I also visited Cairns and snorkeled on the great barrier reef,  went sky diving, hiked through the rainforest, and relaxed on the beach.

11. I learned to cook fairly well this year! Last year I burned things or they tasted absolutely terrible... haha. I have a list of dishes I can successful make and I hope that list continues!

11. I turned 23 - I didn't do anything for my birthday, but I was okay with that. I learned that being patient brings far better things. I always felt a birthday was a special time for each personal, and me personally, I like to spend that day with someone close to my heart. A week later I found Nick would visit in just a few weeks, which leads me to #12...

12. Nick had been really sick with a chest infection and still managed to come to Dallas to see me on his holiday from work for Christmas vacation. We did the normal things, but it was the perfect was to end 2013 for me! I am thankful that he is always there for me and always has been. We are like two peas in a pod even though we are complete opposites. He is a finance and math nerd that loves running, action movies, and Star Trek and well.... I am me! I am thankful God meant for us to meet because he truly has changed my life, and I couldn't imagine life without him now.

13. I am glad that God has answered so many of my prayers this year. I have learned that God's plans are so much better than my own. If I have to fight for something over and over then it is not in God's will - God's will gives me incredible peace. I no longer live in fear, anxiety, or worry. I feel love and can give love, I hope, I have faith, and I laugh. I can't believe I went so long turning away from God and trying my own thing as if I knew what was best. Living life in the dark with people who live for the darkness was the worst mistake of my life and brought me down to my lowest. I know 2013 was only a stepping stone at what God is doing in my life and I push on for Him. It is a lifelong battle, but I know which side to fight for now.

Thank you God for 2013.... for new friends, Nick, traveling, a job that gives me the ability to travel for next to nothing, for saving money, for setting goals, and for finding joy in Your Will.

I am more than ready for 2014!

Love,

   Lauren

Recent Photos! 

Christmas Time

I hope everyone has a blessed Christmas this year with their families. Remember that most of us live our lives for ourselves throughout the year, but this time of the year is here for us to sorely celebrate Jesus' birth and how it lead to saving our souls. How Mary was blessed with a baby and lived off pure faith until the messiah came. Sometimes it is hard to have faith in life, but as I think about how Mary must have felt it inspires me to always keep the faith. If an angel appeared and said she was having the son of God, then had to tell others she was a virgin and was to give birth to a baby named Jesus it must have been difficult. While pregnant a woman should also be taken good care of to ensure the health of the baby. Mary traveled around and on the night on her birth did not even have a place to lay down. She ended up giving birth in a manager surrounded by animals - the king of the world born in a barn.

If you have forgotten where Jesus was born and the life he lived, remember it this Christmas. Many of us think we need fancy cars, clothes, houses, and status. None of that matter. God does not care who all you know, what you drive, what house you live in, or what you look like. He wants your heart - not part of it, but all of it. He wants you to love him through faith and obeying Him. Words without actions are dead, and that is not something a Christian wants to hear on judgement day. No matter what you have done in your past, may you be a light to the darkness in the world - the one who lights up a place with Godliness instead of the one who makes the room dark from sin.

As for my personal life, I got an australian delivered to Irving, TX for Christmas this year! Nick had been working so hard and was really sick, but he still flew 17 hours so I wouldn't have to wait until February to see him again! The best gift ever is being around someone you love. He is so wonderful for sacrificing his time and money to visit. So bring on the cowboys this Sunday and all of the other activities we will be doing!

Merry Christmas & God Bless!

Love,

    Lauren

Duck Dynasty - Speaking Out in Truth!

It is very infuriating how Phil was suspended from A&E's television show Duck Dynasty for him voicing his beliefs in an interview. As someone from the conservative side which does not support the gay lifestyle, we have to hear about it on a daily basis. Work places, the news, parades, and groups formed to promote the lifestyle. It is not just myself that is speaking on behalf of this matter, but a vast majority of America that still does not and will not agree with this lifestyle. No - I do not want to see man on man in gay parades wearing speedos while the city decorates everything in rainbow. I don't want to hear about it at work or especially be criticized for what I believe in. If a community of people decide to believe otherwise then fine, so be that, but as for myself... I do not want it shoved down my throat. How does that make me or others who have the same views as I do hateful, non-christian, idiotic, or homophobic? Phil clearly stated he would never treat another person differently because we are all God's children, as the same would go for myself. People cannot pick and choose what they want from the Bible - it is not like ordering off a menu.

"And if anyone removes any of the words from this book of prophecy, God will remove that person's share in the tree of life and in the holy city that are described in this book." [Revelations 22:19]

Phil refers to the following verse that says that not only homosexuality, but sleeping with anyone except your husband or wife is a sin and that those who continue this practice after knowing the truth will not even in heaven. This is a very heavy heavy topic, but it cannot be ignored. I myself made the decision at 19 to not wait until marriage with my boyfriend at the time, something I do regret very deeply now. Assuming that someone loves you and that you will marry them should never be enough to give yourself up for another person. Involving yourself in sexual acts out of emotional pain, loneliness, or anger should never be enough either. There is a reason God tells you to wait until marriage with your husband or wife. Some people will learn the difficult way after sinning - maybe not until years later even. Pregnancy, STD's, miscarriage, the pain of splitting up with a lover, and having to tell the person you marry who all you have been with. It is meant to be a very special bond that God gave husband and wife. The only mentions of men sleeping with another man in the bible is in reference to sin, just as adultery and pre-maritual sex is spoken of as well. God still loves these people just as much, but Jesus came to earth to speak the truth in love. 

There would have been no point in Jesus coming to earth to save us for our sins if he has simply said, "Do what makes you happy - sleep with who you want, get drunk whenever you want, sure do this and that." No - God's focus is not for you to be happy 24/7. God's focus is for you to love and obey God, love your neighbor as yourself, and honor Him in your ways of life! That can be a person's number one mistake when trying to have faith in God. I used to be so angry at God for making my lonely and put myself in situations that hurt myself more than loneliness for a period of time would have done. In doing God's will, only that will truly bring you an unexplainable joy. Sure - we are all bound to make mistakes and go astray from time to time. We may have those nights where we say, "Oh one time wont hurt", but in the end... it does. When we stand before God on judgement day and he holds us accountable for everything we did in our life... how then will be feel knowing heaven and hell are reality and we will be going to one of those places? We get into heaven by loving God, and through honoring Him in our lives. If we only live to please ourselves or try to make others happy by pushing God away or demeaning what His commandments were then what will he have to say to us at the end? 

Don't waste your life living for the devil in disguise. The devil comes as everything you ever wanted, not as a man in horns. When you are tempted with things of the world and choose things such as premarital sex, drugs, stealing, belittling others, lying, perversion, fits of anger, depression, drunkenness, and a love of money - you are dealing with the devil himself. We all deal with the devil in our own ways... but we have to recognize how he tries to steal us away from God. The devil tries to steal me through if I drink alcohol or lust. Those are my weaknesses and I am not afraid to admit them. I recognize how I am tried to be lured into think that those are okay with God. 

Back to Phil and Duck Dynasty - do not let the devil lure you away from God's truth even if the media tries to put the roles in reverse. The Bible does state that such acts as sin and that man and woman should be joined together in marriage. Don't let the devil think he can win - stand alongside Phil and the Robertson family in Duck Dynasty for their sound biblical views and standing up for God's word!

You are always enough. Nothing you have done in the past could ever keep you away from all that God wants you to be. You are loved by more than you know and God has such a plan for you that you cannot even fathom it. Nothing you give up on earth will ever compare to what God has in store for you... so leave it all behind. Don't worry about things in this world, they will come to pass quicker than the blink of an eye. 

Ice Day!

I turned around from going to San Francisco last night and stayed in Texas for the weekend. Got some good videos sledding around in laundry baskets with my brother and our animals. I've never been a big fan of cold weather (I put on 30 layers when it gets below 40 degrees) but it has been a good day. I had green tea with my Grandpa and played with Queen over there and am getting to snuggle with Weezy and my cats while watching movies tonight and playing with my stocks. I may make some home made white hot chocolate as well. I turn 23 in just a few days... it looks like I will have to postpone my birthday plans with all the ice though. I don't feel like crashing my car or getting out in the freezing weather. Hope everyone else in Texas is having a nice ice day with their families! I love December! God bless.

With love,

Lauren

Australia, round 3!

So thankful to spend time with the love of my life this month! I am unexplainably blessed. I thank God for remaining faithful to my prayers and allowing me to travel to Australia every two months from now on to visit him. I have never met someone before who I felt complete peace with and felt as if it was the missing piece to my soul - a part that God created in me specifically for him to fill. He is the most kind, gentle, intelligent, successful, pure, hard working, and handsome man in the world. The only man I would fly across the world to cook with and have movie cuddle nights :)

Rainy weekend.

Feeding kangaroos at the animal park.

The Great Barrier Reef.

A Cry to Men

What type of man are you becoming - or more so, what type of impact are you making in the lives of others? While on Facebook today I saw many people posting a YouTube video of rapper Lil Wayne's new song... only this song had a VERY bad message. I am not a fan of Lil Wayne in any way, and I refuse to listen to the majority of rappers now days because of the degrading, unChristian messages they send out. This specific one entitled "Love Me" not only talks about sex, drugs, and loose women that he has no respect for, but says "ho*s love me like satan". WHY would anyone want to listen to this man or support his music, especially if they call them self a Christian? Jay-Z has said "life starts when the church ends" in one of his songs, and several other artists have blasphemed the Bible in numerous ways through their songs. While the beat may be good - the message behind it leaks into the crevasses of the minds listening and influences us without us even realizing it. The more we listen the more we begin to push everything aside and become lukewarm - thinking nothing is wrong and he did not "mean to say that". 

He means every word in his lyrics, otherwise he would not put them out. If you did not believe in something, would you make it your entire reputation or identity? I am disgusted by men like him and pray that my generation will be courageous in standing up against these type of influences. Especially the men - men have such a great impact in this world and have the power to change so much. Men have the opportunity to either use women or respect them, share the gospel or live a life against what the Bible stands for, be a family man or a party animal, act as a disciple of Christ or work against what Jesus died for. 

I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth! You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’ And you don’t realize that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked. 

-Revelations 3:15-17

One of my favorite movies, Courageous, has a great ending speech that applies to men and their children. Please read the manuscript below from the movie regarding men's roles in their children (only please apply that to their family, friends, loved ones, and those they encounter in daily lives). We depend on the men of our generation to be the example for our children and those we will live with. A cry from every Christian woman - please be the courageous man that God made you to be. You are capable of so much, loved so much, and the women of the world look up to you. Please, be courageous for the Lord - we believe in you!

I now believe that God desires for EVERY father to courageously step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. But more than just being there providing for them, he is to walk with them through their young lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their father in heaven. A father should love his children, and seek to win their hearts. He should protect them, discipline them, and teach them about God. He should model how to walk with integrity and treat others with respect, and should call out his children to become responsible men and women, who live their lives for what matters in eternity. Some men will hear this, and mock it. Or ignore it. But I tell you that as a father, you are accountable to God for the position of influence he has given you. You can't fall asleep at the wheel, only to wake up one day and realize that your job or your hobbies have no eternal value, but the souls of your children do. Some men will hear this and agree with it, but have no resolve to live it out. Instead, they will live for themselves, and waste the opportunity to leave a godly legacy for the next generation. But there are some men, who regardless of the mistakes we've made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did NOT do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God with all that we are and to teach our children to do the same. And whenever possible to love and mentor others who have no father in their lives, but who desperately need help and direction. And we are inviting any man whose heart is willing and courageous, to join us in this resolution. In my home, the decision has already been made. You don't have to ask who will guide my family, because by God's grace, I will. You don't have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ, because I will. Who will accept the responsibility of providing and protecting my family? I will. Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family's history? I will. Who will pray for, and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do? I am their father. I will. I accept this responsibility and it is my privilege to embrace it. I want the favor of God and his blessing on my home. Any good man does. So where are you men of courage? Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord? It's time to rise up and answer the call that God has given to you and to say I will.