You have been training months to run a marathon. You spend your mornings, weekends, and nearly every minute of your free time to train to accomplish your goal. It's the day of the race, and you run. You run for miles and miles until you have one more to go. Your chest is throbbing, sweat pouring from your body, knees shaking, sides cramping, and out of breath. Your so close to finishing, but to you it seems so far. You have wanted this for so long, trained so hard, and if you give in and stop it will all be over.
1) You are in so much pain you decide you can't go on anymore. You stop as the others pass you and cross through the finish line. You see them run through the checkered black and white ribbon as you put your hands on your knees bending over to catch your breath. All of your training has been for nothing. Though you ran far, you didn't complete your goal of finish running a marathon without stopping. What do you get out of this now? Now you get to start over once more, train harder, and withstand more pain.
2) You feel the pain but know how close you are to finishing. You can't see the finish line, but you have faith that it's close. You run harder and faster, feeling every withering bit of pain in your body but finally see the black and white checkered ribbon. As you get closer you get more eager, more proud and happy that you withstood the pain because it was about to be over. You finally run through the ribbon as people from the sides cheer you on. Photos are taken, you win awards, and you accomplished your goal. You've reached the other side and don't have to look back anymore. No more pain, no more training, no more regrets.
Which scenario do you continue to chose in life? When you are struggling with your weight, your family, your friends, your relationships, what do you chose? Do you give up on moving on and bettering yourself because it's too hard, or do you withstand the pain and have faith that somewhere down the road something better is coming along? With God the struggles we go through should be rejoiced because it is making us stronger and giving us a great opportunity to turn to God in a time of need. Nothing we do without God will give us true happiness. All the money in the world, the women, the men, the cars, then clothes... nothing will compare to the happiness in being one with Christ.
Who will you put your faith in?
2TI 2:12 if we endure, we will also reign with him. If we disown him, he
will also disown us;
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Sick of it; A Struggle of Mine.
Something I struggle with in life is the way I'm viewed by many people. They look at me, and often tell me how perfect my life looks. They assume because I have a smile on my face, a nice car to drive, and every material thing I really need that my life is complete and worth being envied. Getting straight to the point, I'm not who I look like. I'm so bitter and furious with so many things in life; my neurotic and narcissistic family, my inconsiderate and despicable ex-boyfriend, and my careless and unconcerned "friends".
It's so hard keeping my life a big secret, not opening up to anyone, or letting others know that I need help. I'm scared, almost ashemed if I approach someone for help or advice. Inside I feel like a mess; my mind is scattered, my body is weak.
My family continuously yells, complains, insults, and hurts me. I've been putting up with their words and actions since I was four. They've never treated me like a child, infact I feel they ripped my childhood away from me. To them I'm worthless, someone who will fail in life, a mistake. They tell me they don't love me and can't wait until I move out. My mother treats my younger brother like he is the most angelic individual to walk this earth. He curses her out, hits her, and fights until he gets excatly what he wants. Of course she caters to his every need, but doesn't even have the common deciency to say "Happy Birthday" to me on my birthday. I have never understood why they dislike me so much; but I know why they yell at me. If I leave a cup laying in another room, don't hang up all my clothes, or clean up the kitchen after I cook dinner for everyone. Are these really good reasons to hate somebody over, especially your child? It completely sickens me how egotistical and miserly they are. They are so selfish in so many ways and expect that money will make me happy. Little do they know that love conquors everything. God conquors everything. God is what is holding me all together. I am so alone in this world, as it seems, and it's so hard. It takes alot out of me to get out of bed somedays, to talk to others, or do simple tasks. I desperately want to be a good influence on people and give them hope, but it's so hard for me to accomplish this right now. I know God will lead me out of this, but it's so confusing why I was put in the family I was put in. I can honestly say I don't care if my parents came to my wedding, if they moved across the world, or if they even came around to being nice to me. I'm so numb to the fact that they are infact related to me that I try to ignore everything when I am at home. I go mute and stay back in my room day dreaming of something better. I could go on, but I feel better for getting this issue off my back. I suppose the point or message of this blog was to show that no matter how happy or stable a person may seem don't underestimate what could be underneath. Every person has feelings, problems, and issues.. some they don't reveal in everyday life. Do as to others as you would do to yourself. Be a friend.
It's so hard keeping my life a big secret, not opening up to anyone, or letting others know that I need help. I'm scared, almost ashemed if I approach someone for help or advice. Inside I feel like a mess; my mind is scattered, my body is weak.
My family continuously yells, complains, insults, and hurts me. I've been putting up with their words and actions since I was four. They've never treated me like a child, infact I feel they ripped my childhood away from me. To them I'm worthless, someone who will fail in life, a mistake. They tell me they don't love me and can't wait until I move out. My mother treats my younger brother like he is the most angelic individual to walk this earth. He curses her out, hits her, and fights until he gets excatly what he wants. Of course she caters to his every need, but doesn't even have the common deciency to say "Happy Birthday" to me on my birthday. I have never understood why they dislike me so much; but I know why they yell at me. If I leave a cup laying in another room, don't hang up all my clothes, or clean up the kitchen after I cook dinner for everyone. Are these really good reasons to hate somebody over, especially your child? It completely sickens me how egotistical and miserly they are. They are so selfish in so many ways and expect that money will make me happy. Little do they know that love conquors everything. God conquors everything. God is what is holding me all together. I am so alone in this world, as it seems, and it's so hard. It takes alot out of me to get out of bed somedays, to talk to others, or do simple tasks. I desperately want to be a good influence on people and give them hope, but it's so hard for me to accomplish this right now. I know God will lead me out of this, but it's so confusing why I was put in the family I was put in. I can honestly say I don't care if my parents came to my wedding, if they moved across the world, or if they even came around to being nice to me. I'm so numb to the fact that they are infact related to me that I try to ignore everything when I am at home. I go mute and stay back in my room day dreaming of something better. I could go on, but I feel better for getting this issue off my back. I suppose the point or message of this blog was to show that no matter how happy or stable a person may seem don't underestimate what could be underneath. Every person has feelings, problems, and issues.. some they don't reveal in everyday life. Do as to others as you would do to yourself. Be a friend.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Handling a Problem
So I haven't really opened up on my blog about myself, so that's what I'm going to do today. Actually I'll say what's going on in my mind in the first paragraph, followed by what I think God would want me to do and tell me.
I have been dating a guy for almost three and a half years, and recently broke up with him. I tried to make things work between us, and I feel that I was good to him. I always made him and bought him gifts, cooked him his favorite meals, attempted to looked pretty for him, helped him with his faith, his schoolwork, even cleaning his room. I never cheated on him, lied to him about something big, or even spent his money (going out to eat, movies, etc). I'm not a dull person, it may seem that way in school, but I do talk and have a sense of humor. I like to dance, sing, travel, and just have a good time. While we were dating he never complimented me. He always expected me to wait on him hand and foot, be okay with him never calling or coming over, and well... you get it. He just neglected me in so many ways and tried to back it up with "oh but i do care about you. I'm not ignoring you, your just blowing things out of proportion." Now I know girls do go a little crazy sometimes and do nag, but it wasn't just me seeing this in his behavior. When my grandpa(who is like my dad) was in the hospital and needed double bypass surgery and a pace maker put in his heart he wasn't willing to go to the hospital with me that morning like he said he would. Shouldn't someone who cares about you want to be there for you in a hard time, and especially if someone close to you may die? Whe my cat died, (which I was very close to) he didn't comfort me at all. I know it's a cat, but to me my animals are like family, and still he decided to hang out with his friends instead of trying to cheer me up after he knew how sad I was. At my sophmore homecoming he was on the phone with some bisexual girl he liked at the time, and at my junior homecoming he was staring at a girl and ended up saying "shes everything your not" when I asked if he liked her and why he was staring at her. I also bought him hours in a recording studio for his music last christmas and he never even used it! Anyways, after we broke up it's just as if he could move on with such ease that it was completely destroying my heart. He was doing the same thing and putting his friends, skateboarding, and straight up dumb stuff first in his life. It wasn't always like this, but after two years it began to be like this. Still at this point in my life it's so difficult to just forget and move on even though I know I should. It's hard to sleep, eat, or just be myself. I want to be left alone, or just sleep off my problems. The person that I went to with problems, happiness, laughter, and more isn't there for me anymore. It's almost like a death; not to the full extent, but knowing that things aren't the same and you can't see them (often). Somedays he talks to me and is really sweet, then the next day he'll ignore me and pretty much forget about me. It's an ongoing problem that is really confusing and hurtful. It's a terrible feeling, like that something literally inhabited inside your heart and is ripping it apart piece by piece. I feel pain and anxiety all in my body, in my mind, in myself. It's so hard to be content with life, and especially feel so alone. I don't have a relationship with my family, don't have honest and true friends, and now that he's gone it's harder than it's ever been before. He just makes me feel so worthless and ugly... like no one will appreciate me, as if no one out in the world is really like that.
From God's perspective I think He would want me to put all of my worries and troubles with him, as he tells us to do. I think He would want me to get out of this relationship, for the sake of us both. He is clearly not appreciative of me, and I have nothing but sadness and depression out of the relationship. Even though it's a stressful and paintful time right now for me, I know God is there with me at all times. I was reading a verse in the bible the other day (i dont remember it though), but it was saying how even in the darkest times we should be joyful because the Lord is testing us. He is making up stronger, so where one day we can be wise and strong in faith to where those things wont be as hard on us. This gave me an insightful look on my problems. Also the fact that this has happened so many times to people all over, and that I'm not alone in this fight. God has provided me some Godly friends who will be willing to help me out if I just ask for it. Instead of crying and sitting by in my room alone I need to move on and just have faith in God that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have been dating a guy for almost three and a half years, and recently broke up with him. I tried to make things work between us, and I feel that I was good to him. I always made him and bought him gifts, cooked him his favorite meals, attempted to looked pretty for him, helped him with his faith, his schoolwork, even cleaning his room. I never cheated on him, lied to him about something big, or even spent his money (going out to eat, movies, etc). I'm not a dull person, it may seem that way in school, but I do talk and have a sense of humor. I like to dance, sing, travel, and just have a good time. While we were dating he never complimented me. He always expected me to wait on him hand and foot, be okay with him never calling or coming over, and well... you get it. He just neglected me in so many ways and tried to back it up with "oh but i do care about you. I'm not ignoring you, your just blowing things out of proportion." Now I know girls do go a little crazy sometimes and do nag, but it wasn't just me seeing this in his behavior. When my grandpa(who is like my dad) was in the hospital and needed double bypass surgery and a pace maker put in his heart he wasn't willing to go to the hospital with me that morning like he said he would. Shouldn't someone who cares about you want to be there for you in a hard time, and especially if someone close to you may die? Whe my cat died, (which I was very close to) he didn't comfort me at all. I know it's a cat, but to me my animals are like family, and still he decided to hang out with his friends instead of trying to cheer me up after he knew how sad I was. At my sophmore homecoming he was on the phone with some bisexual girl he liked at the time, and at my junior homecoming he was staring at a girl and ended up saying "shes everything your not" when I asked if he liked her and why he was staring at her. I also bought him hours in a recording studio for his music last christmas and he never even used it! Anyways, after we broke up it's just as if he could move on with such ease that it was completely destroying my heart. He was doing the same thing and putting his friends, skateboarding, and straight up dumb stuff first in his life. It wasn't always like this, but after two years it began to be like this. Still at this point in my life it's so difficult to just forget and move on even though I know I should. It's hard to sleep, eat, or just be myself. I want to be left alone, or just sleep off my problems. The person that I went to with problems, happiness, laughter, and more isn't there for me anymore. It's almost like a death; not to the full extent, but knowing that things aren't the same and you can't see them (often). Somedays he talks to me and is really sweet, then the next day he'll ignore me and pretty much forget about me. It's an ongoing problem that is really confusing and hurtful. It's a terrible feeling, like that something literally inhabited inside your heart and is ripping it apart piece by piece. I feel pain and anxiety all in my body, in my mind, in myself. It's so hard to be content with life, and especially feel so alone. I don't have a relationship with my family, don't have honest and true friends, and now that he's gone it's harder than it's ever been before. He just makes me feel so worthless and ugly... like no one will appreciate me, as if no one out in the world is really like that.
From God's perspective I think He would want me to put all of my worries and troubles with him, as he tells us to do. I think He would want me to get out of this relationship, for the sake of us both. He is clearly not appreciative of me, and I have nothing but sadness and depression out of the relationship. Even though it's a stressful and paintful time right now for me, I know God is there with me at all times. I was reading a verse in the bible the other day (i dont remember it though), but it was saying how even in the darkest times we should be joyful because the Lord is testing us. He is making up stronger, so where one day we can be wise and strong in faith to where those things wont be as hard on us. This gave me an insightful look on my problems. Also the fact that this has happened so many times to people all over, and that I'm not alone in this fight. God has provided me some Godly friends who will be willing to help me out if I just ask for it. Instead of crying and sitting by in my room alone I need to move on and just have faith in God that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
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